No free lunchedNSFW

I think a few times in the past I've talked about having trouble submitting, in the kink sense. This is common with me when I'm talking to friends, or meeting new roleplay partners, or what have you.

This is directly in spite of the fact that I almost never have dominant fantasies - certainly not anymore, but haven't for a long time. (A long time, at this point, does not stretch back as far as I can remember. But maybe like five years at least. Beyond that it's too hazy to tell where the exact timeline is.)

And it's curious. I know one of the reasons is that I just like the power and control over the scenario that comes with being the dominant partner. I know that I like being able to offer things my scenario partner likes. These are good reasons to like playing the dominant role.

But what about not liking playing the submissive role?

... Well, part of it is just that that's not true. I love playing the submissive role. I just don't feel comfortable. So what's it take to feel comfortable?

I need my partner to be confident and secure. I need to know that their actions are safe for themselves. I need to know that I'm not going to have to comfort them afterward for what they just forced themselves to do for me.

I need my partner to be energetic and take the lead. I'll happily keep up the energy, but to have to expend the energy to start the scene and then not be in control of where it goes feels onerous to me.

I need my partner to be willing to seek understanding, to roll with times where things don't quite work out as they planned and maybe I'm not as into it as they thought I'd be, to accept that they will make mistakes and to make them and to apologize for them if necessary. To try to understand what makes me tick, and to show that understanding.

If I combine these traits: curious and understanding, energetic and willing to lead, confident and secure, then I end up with maybe one person I know.

And so maybe the reason I don't feel comfortable submitting is that there aren't many people I feel comfortable submitting to. And so after enough missteps, I just declared the whole thing not worth my time and energy, and gave up on it for good.

But these people do exist. I like to think I'm one. And there is someone in my life who's like that. I just have to find another one.

The other thing is...

I'm willing to go to great lengths to do things that will excite the people in my life. I write stories at the drop of a hat, jump into roleplays over whatever my friends are into right now, and spend hours of effort trying to cheer people up.

When I'm in a submissive mood, often I just want someone to do for me what I do for others. I want someone to shower me in attention.

But that kind of person is not part of my circle. At least... not directed at me.

And even if they were they surely wouldn't be able to save me. There is no free lunch (or, perhaps, no free being lunched). When I have run myself to exhaustion, all I can really do is recharge myself with the activities that fill me up, and remind myself to be more cautious of my own limits in the future. Relying on someone else to fill that void is too much burden to place on them, and too lazy on my part. I can't rely on others to take care of me. I have to take care of myself.

It hurts to remember this. But it's an important lesson every time. And I must be more careful of my codependent tendencies, in both directions...