MaidabasesNSFW

Okay.

So. I have a personal maid. My personal maid has been instructed to bring me all the tiny daughters from my food warehouse who are not on the regular menu and whose family names have certain kanji in them. So that I can eat them.

But we have a problem. The daughters' cages are too small, and there are lots of moms with the same family name, and it would be wasteful to have to write out a long family name EVERY time a mom gets a new daughter submitted, so we don't mark their cages with their family name. We just mark it with their mom's member number. Then we can go look in the file for that member number and see, oh, here's her family name!

We have another problem though. We have moms from all different countries sending in their tiny daughters. Not all of them have family names that can have kanji in them. And not all of them have the family name in the same place on the form. American girls have their family name last. Worst thing is, the maid can barely read ONE language, let alone ALL THE WORLD'S LANGUAGES, so she has no idea where to look.

Good thing, though, that we have a set of example forms, exactly the way the moms filled them out when they signed up - but with the captions in the maid's main language. AND it explains which types of names are okay. So, great!

My personal maid, bless her heart, thinks to herself: I'll go through and find all the countries that can have kanji in their last names, and circle the family name field. But, just to be sure, I'll check all the other fields, in case they're also the family name field. (She is. A little dumb.)

Now, there's a really quick-minded but... really lazy maid who's in charge of the filing - both managing the member files and labeling the daughters' cages. She will only do exactly what my personal maid tells her to do, and refuses to do anything too complicated. So she'll grab files if you tell her what member numbers to look for, or what countries they're from, but actually reading the form? Sounds like a lot of work. Sounds like someone else's problem. I can give you the form, you have to read it yourself.

But that's fine, because as dumb as my personal maid is, she is sure determined! So she requests ALL the member forms that are from any of those countries. And then she sits there, looking through the forms and comparing them with her stack of example forms that she circled the last name field on, and checks to see whether that kanji I asked her about is on there. If it is, she sets it aside.

Once she has all the member forms that match, she writes down the member numbers. Those are all the moms who have last names with that kanji in them, so any daughters who have that member number on their cage must have that last name.

Satisfied with her task, she sends her copies of the example forms and the member forms to be recycled, and...

Oh no. Oh god. Oh no. Mistress asked me to find this other kanji too.

She sets her jaw. She is DETERMINED!!! So she goes to grab the example forms. She doesn't remember anything about them, but that is okay, because she can just look again...

Repeat until she's found everything.

Finally, she returns to the filing maid, and she's like "Um! Can you please bring me... any tiny daughters... not on the regular menu... who uh... have moms with any of these member numbers?"

The filing maid then rolls her chair along the rows of daughter cages - since she has a map, she knows exactly where the daughters not on the regular menu are and how they're sorted by mom's member number - and grabs all the daughters with those member numbers on their cages and throws them in a bag.

My personal maid then finally, FINALLY brings me my delicious daughter sampler. Except that I'm so pissed off that I've already eaten like three of my friends, and by the time she returns I've gotten so hangry I eat her too.

Now I hire her successor.

And I give her some instructions.

You can look to see which countries have last names that can have kanji in them. But once you find out that that's the case, you can circle it and stop. There's only one last name field, I promise.

Then, when you go to the filing maid, don't just tell her "uhhh could you get me all the files", and then you sit here going through them like a dumbass. She's smart, she's quick, she's got a good filing system, and your best quality is ... cute face aside, your best quality is your willingness to listen to directions.

Instead, tell her that you're going to go with her, and if she could get you all the daughters whose moms are from those countries, and whose moms' member files have last names that fit a certain pattern, you would be so grateful. She'll bitch about having to cross-reference the member files and the cages, but whatever, that's what she's good at.

"But she doesn't know how to find the last name, and she doesn't want to learn..."

Okay, well, that's why you're going to go with her. And she'll occasionally stop at a daughter's cage and ask you where the last name is for this country, and you'll just look at your example form and point to the last name field, and she'll keep on rolling. You don't have to think about anything. (Which, again, is good, because she's a lot quicker on the whole thinking thing than you are...) But she won't even ask you unless she knows that everything else - her being a tiny daughter, her being from one of the right countries, her not being on the regular menu, etc. - is in order. So we don't have to worry your pretty little head.